I AM MY HERO

I watched a movie last night that inspired me to write this blog. I was forced to become my own hero and I wish I could say it was by choice. As a woman I can honestly say that I would love to have a man to call my hero. I can only speak for myself. What happened to the days when a man was the King in his castle? When a woman can turn to her man to just make it happen? To be her protector, her best friend, her confidant, her provider? Back in the days women raised their daughters to be the perfect woman for their husband. They raised their daughters to stick by their man no matter what happens, no matter what he did or did not do. They raised their daughters to find their man, marry him and stay married. Give that man what he wanted to make him want to come home. Nowadays, sadly enough, we are teaching our daughters that they do not need a man for anything. We teach our daughters that they don't have to put up with shit from no man. That there are plenty of men out there. Sometimes I wish that I was born and raised in the older days. Back then, men protected and stood up for women. Today, its the men that we fear emotionally or physically. Who is supposed to be our hero?
I am my own hero, not by choice but because I was raised to be. I would love to have a man around to help me pay bills, to help me raise my children, to be my protector and provider. How are fathers raising their sons? How are fathers leaving women to raise their boys? Where are the men to show our daughters what they should expect and accept from a man? Who is supposed to show them what greatness looks like? Where are the heroes? We are so lost as a people because we don't know or respect our positions, our worth or each other. I am my children's HERO. Their mother, father, lawyer, teacher, chef, doctor, their everything. I am a Hero in search of a Hero.

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From the heart of The BlackButterfly

WHAT REALLY MATTERS

What matters the most to me is serving my purpose. I wrote a blog last year asking what your purpose is. I'm not sure how many people question what their purpose in life is, or if they even care. For many years I've asked this question. I screamed it into the universe, asked it in a prayer and even questioned my mother on it. The answer that I got was "only you would know". At the time, it was the dumbest shit I'd ever heard. But I never gave up on trying to finding out.
We've all been blessed with gifts. To sing, write, play music, dance, teach, act, etc. But we all ultimately serve the same purpose in life and that is to somehow use what we were blessed with to help others on way or another. My children matter to me. It is my job to raise those boys to be successful MEN. THAT matters. My family matters to me. I am a piece of that glue that keeps us all together. THEY matter. My career matters. It is what feeds my family, shelters then and at the same time it feeds my mind. THAT matters. My real friends matter. The ones that accept me for who I am, flaws and all. THEY matter. The people that hate me matters because they give me drive. They make me push harder just to prove them wrong. Everything and everyone matters because its all a part of my LIFE.

I MATTER. WHAT I SAY MATTERS. WHAT I FEEL MATTERS. WHAT I THINK MATTERS.

Ask yourself, what really matters.

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From the heart of The BlackButterfly

A WOMAN'S WORTH

There is much to be said for a woman that knows her worth. I have met many women that compare their worth to how well they give head or how great their pussy is. There are many women that will claim to be “sexually liberated” but are straight up smuts. What’s the difference? When you are sexually liberated, you know who you are and you know what you like. You are having sex for your satisfaction. Oh but to be a smut, you are using sex to try to find yourself and to find love. You have no respect or regard for yourself or anyone else you come in contact with. If you remove sex from the equation, then what else do you have to offer? Who are you and where are you going? Can you have a conversation with a man for hours without discussing sex? Can you actually sleep in the bed with a man without having sex? What are you worth? What do you expect from a man? Better than that, what do you expect from yourself?
We as women should be more in tuned with ourselves. Ask yourself while staring at your refection what your worth is. And keep in mind that it is just you staring back at yourself, so why not be 100% honest. We are women, we make this world go round so why not have it revolve around us. We as women she make it so that when we walk into a room the brains behind the eyes staring at us are thinking: Damn that woman is beautiful and smart. Now that is a woman! That is what I want in a wife. VS walking into a room and the brain behind the eyes staring back at us are thinking: Damn she got a fat ass. Damn I would love to sample that pussy. I heard a woman say that men have this preconceived notion that all women are easy. The reason for that is that we as women don’t prove them wrong. Now there are some great successful and intelligent women out here (waving my flag, feeling myself). But what are we doing to teach the younger generation? Shaking your heads at them won’t do much. Let’s teach our younger women their worth and hope for a better future.

Growing Up VS Grown Up

I remember being young and thinking that I had so many problems. How it sucked big time to be a kid. I could not go outside and play when I wanted to. I had to always ask my mother for money to buy an ice cream sandwich. And what was up with her not having any money? I always asked “How do you have a job and you ain’t never got no money?” Me and my sister used to be like “mommy lying, she got money.” LOL… I remember being young and bothered because I had to get up and go to school every day. Had to do homework and chores. I couldn’t understand why did my mother expect me to do all of these things and she knew that I had homework to do. It just seemed so unfair to me. I remember being a child and not being able to talk on the phone to my friends. Back then there wasn’t unlimited calling. You had to pay per minute, so my mother was always like “stop running up my damn phone bill.” I had no idea about bills back then…. But NOW!!! Sometimes I wish that doing homework was the least of my worries. I love being an adult and I love working but I have to admit that there are those rare days when I wish I can go back to being a kid again. I now know what it’s like to have a job and not have any money. (Sorry Mommy. Lol) Sometimes I wish I had money for an ice cream sandwich after paying all my bills. Now I am grown and I have those days when I don’t want to get up and go to work every day. As children, we know so much when in reality we don’t know shit about being an adult. But adults know all too well about being a child.

Learn to be Great in your Space

How many of you can honestly say that you enjoy being alone? Don't lie to yourself. If you are gonna be 100 with anyone it should be with yourself. Do you enjoy those long walks in the park alone, a movie, dinner, downtime at home watching TV? Or are you constantly yearning for the company of others? Be it a man, woman or child.
I got rid of the kids this weekend, who can I call? Who can I go hang out with? I should go chill with my homegirls and get some drinks.
Raising my hand in guilt… I have many moments where I just hate to be alone. But then there are those times where I crave for those times to just kick back and reflect, do some soul searching…
It is important for us to understand the importance of spending that time alone to get reacquainted. To get to know us. We were born into this world alone so why not learn to be alone. If you are always up under someone catering to them and their needs, when do you make the time to cater to you and your own? Learn to do for you. Learn to make you happy. Learn to understand your own moves and habits. If you don’t know you then how will someone else ever will? To love you must first get to know and understand. How could you say you love you if you have never taken the time to get to know and understand you? Create that personal space and learn to get comfortable in it, this way you are never alone even when you are alone…


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From the heart of The BlackButterfly

How do you say I Love You?

LOVE: Does it mean the same thing to all of us? Do we all require the same things in order to love? What I love, she may not. What he loves, he may not. Love is an emotion that should be felt by one's actions and not just their words. Does it make me foolish to believe when someone says they love me but are not willing to show it? I would say yes while someone else might say no. I Love attention. I Love to be touched. I Love to be listened to. I Love thoughtful surprises. If I've never had or felt any of these things then how would I know I Love them? I don't care what anyone one says out their mouth, everyone wants to feel Love one way or another. To receive love from another person is a wonderful feeling. But how do you say I Love You in return? You show them every chance you get that you appreciate them for who they are and what they do for you. How? Listen to them because I'm sure that at least one point in the relationship they've expressed it to you. Don't get so wrapped up in receiving the Love that you forget to return it.

From the Heart of the BlackButterfly

Thoughts of a Mistress....

Am I stupid for even putting myself in this predicament? I know he loves me? How? Because he told me. He does so much for me, like paying my rent and bills so why doesn't he just leave her and be with me? Is he ever going to leave his wife? Should I be giving this man head when I know he is fucking his wife? I know I shouldn't but I just want to make him feel so good. I know this is what he likes so I don't want to give him a reason to go and find someone else. Why doesn't he make time for us? Why doesn't he take me out to the movies? Why can't we go out to dinner? Why doesn't he answer the phone when I call him? He always expects for me to be there for him when he needs or wants me; why can't he do the same for me? Why do I have to roll over to nobody and he gets to roll over to his wife? I'm tired of getting flowers every year for Valentine's day. I want to be made love to. Not the day before or the day after. I want to wake up to him on Christmas morning. I want to kiss him at 12am on New Year's. When does it become about ME and not him. I mean he makes me feel good when he is with me, but every time he leaves he takes a piece of my heart with him. How much longer can I do this? Why couldn't I just find a man that wasn't taken. What am I doing here? Why can't I walk away? I am going to wait because I love him. If I keep doing for him and keep going harder, then he will come around eventually.

These are not my thoughts. They are the typical thoughts of a mistress. Can you ever be or have you ever been a mistress? If you have then you know what I am talking about. If you have not then you will not be able to relate to these thoughts. Many will feel how they want to feel about this one but don't judge if you have never walked in the shoes of a mistress either. It takes one hell of a woman to play that role.

Just remember, the same reason you feel in love with that man is the same reason she did. So who you mad at?

Do I trust myself enough to trust another?

Now there is a question we should ask ourselves before we ask if we can truly trust another human being. I will be the first to tell you that putting your trust in another person is one of the hardest things to do. You are almost forced to trust your mate because of the “you can’t love someone if you don’t trust them”. You believe that you love this person so therefore you must let go of yourself completely and trust them. Let’s start with defining trust. What is trust to you? Ask yourself that. Can I trust this man or woman with the passwords to my accounts? Can I trust him or her with my credit card information? Can I trust them with my deepest secrets? Can I trust them to be honest? Trust can be a very tricky thing because the line between trust and stupidity can be very thin. What is the answer you ask? Trust yourself. You are not always going to get it right. You will make some mistakes along the way but the most important thing is to learn from those mistakes. Learn your body, your mind, your soul, and your heart. They give you signs when something is not right. Do not ignore those signs. When you trust yourself, then and only then can you begin to trust another.

From the Heart of the BlackButterfly

Sick and tired of being sick and tired...

I move about my day to day life giving the impression of happiness, of contempt, of satisfaction. When in reality I am sick and tired of being sick and tired. Tired of being the nice person because it's the right thing to do. Tired of making peace when people bring the war. Tired of being chased down in my sleep by passed experiences. I am so tired of figuring things out, of being the voice of reason, of solving everyone's problems. I am tired of giving love and not being loved. Damn I am sick and tired.

Tired of ER visits and sleepless nights. Tired of always being depended on. Tired of being strong for everyone else's sake. I am so fucking tired of being tired. When does it end? I tell you when. RIGHT THE FUCK NOW.... Goodbye world, I hope I left you all with enough knowledge and understanding to go on without me because I just cannot carry the weight anymore...

How many of us know people like this? Too many!!

When you are sick and tired then it is time for you to wake up and get well. The person that you have to live and die with is YOU. Learn to pick your battles wisely. Take on things that you can control, all else, let it be someone else's problem. That might sound fucked up but it's real. I'm not saying turn our back on people, but taking on the world will eventually make you sick and tired..... Pick the battles that will enrich your soul but not break you down. The things you can't control should be removed from your existence. Learn to turn your obstacles into opportunities.

Learn how to stop being Sick and Tired so you don't get to the point of being sick and tired of being sick and tired.

You Never Know....

This blog was inspired by a bbm message from a beautiful friend of mine (Evelyn). She said "no one ever knows what the next person is going through and battling in all aspects." We hear that all the time but still make the conscious choice to judge. We talk about other people's attitudes all the time but never take the time to care or take into consideration that maybe that person just lost a parent.
We talk about how a person had on too much makeup one day, but never thought they were trying to cover up that black eye that they had gotten from their husband the night before. (A friend of mine Rockell posted that one day. Thanks Kellz) We joke about a person and there body odor, but maybe they are trying to hide the fact that they are homeless.
We tease people on being antisocial but never think that maybe that person is depressed and on the brink of suicide.
We make fun of people being stupid and just maybe that person didn't get to finish school because they had to get a job to help pay bills. Maybe they are secretly going to school to learn.
That same person that we crack jokes on about wearing the same clothes over and over again may make just enough money to pay rent, struggles to pay bills and buy food for their kids and can't afford to shop for themselves.
The saddest truth is animals care more for their kind than we do. As human beings we should be able to reach out to another human being if not for anything else, at least for compassion and sympathy.
Let's learn to put ourselves in other people's shoes and stop judging. The love of my life, Moe said to me" One of the worst feelings in the world is to be going through something with the feeling that you are all alone." Take the time to ask "how are you doing today?" Take the time to smile at someone. Take the time to listen. Most importantly, take the time to care. Most people just want to be listened to and to know that someone cares. My friend Tia said that to me.
I will end this blog with a quote from Chef Keisha Nicole`.... Be very careful of the dirt you throw because it could be the soil from under your feet which causes your own fall."

PS. I'm honored that I can inspire people, but as you can see I am inspired by a whole lot of people. So thank you for your support and inspiration.

You Never Know...
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From the heart of The BlackButterfly

Straight From A Woman's Mouth

This blog just might cause some controversy, but let's help men out a little and be honest for a change. YES, women are complicated. Sometimes we don't even understand ourselves. Stop trying to figure us out and just listen. Listen as we change our mind from one day to the next, month to month and year to year.

Baby can you buy me some flowers?... He comes home with a half dozen roses but you really wanted a dozen tulips. Men wonder why we can't just say what we really mean but the truth of the matter is we didn't really want those damn flowers, we just wanted to see if you remembered that last year we told you how much we loved tulips. If you came home with a half dozen tulips it would have been fine, but because you didn't get the flowers right we magnify that minute issue and make it into a whole big “you never listen to me” argument.

Whether you have a tough woman or a prissy lady, the one thing we all have in common is that we are all WOMEN... Regardless of what we say or how we act, we all still want to be loved and respected. We want to always be recognized for who we are and what we do. Some women put up a wall because of past hurt, some women act tough because they think that's what their man likes... but I assure you this, give them a man that is willing to supply all of their needs and watch them melt down and become that loving wife or girlfriend.

You can't miss what you never had right? So why shovel that “I don't want no man buying me shit”? “I don't need no man to help me raise my kids”, “I don't want this or I don't want that?” What we really mean is the total opposite but we say these things to make ourselves feel better because we don't have those things.

It's no secret that women are emotional creatures, shit I will be the first to tell you. When we say we don't care, what we really mean is we do care and we expect you to as well. When we say forget it, what we really mean is stop arguing and just make it right. When we say we will do it ourselves, what we really mean is get off your ass and help me. When we say no what we really mean is next time don't ask just do it. When we say we hate you we really mean we love you but please don't do that again. We don't expect men to know everything, well we kind of do. Lol. What we expect over anything else is to stop trying to understand why we are the way we are and just except that we are like rubicks cubes... confusing as a motha effer.....

I understand that a man wants to feel like he is in control. He doesn't want to put too much thought into figuring out how to make his woman happy. Ladies, it's true that they want to make us happy... But fellas, learn the art of listening and paying attention. Learn how to perfect the art of making up for getting it wrong because there will be a lot of that. I promise you.... A happy wife makes a happy home, and a happy girl makes a happy world.... Relationships are a lot of work. You have to work for IT if you want IT to work for You...

Straight From A Woman's Mouth.....

NOW DO YOU BELIEVE???

I read through FB and I listen to people complain about things they have control over.
There is a Sister out there taking care of her elderly mother, taking care of her sister battling Cancer, being the strong support system for her family while secretly trying to get through her own health issues. THAT Sister I admire. And then you have the Sister crying over her third baby daddy that don't want her.
I listened to, hugged and tried to console a patient that came home to his partner dead on the floor during their what was supposed to be happy vacation together.
Another patient had to care for and prepare her husband of many decades for his death.
Somewhere a young man watched his mother battle breast cancer. Just when she thought she'd beat it, she was diagnosed with brain Cancer. That boy had to quickly grow up and become a man and step in and be the caretaker. Meanwhile, two blocks down a young man complains that its the end of the world because he can't hang out with his friends.
A young boy and his siblings loses their mother to Breast Cancer. Bounced from house to house, they stuck together and stuck it out. It wasn't a great upbringing but they are respectable adults today with a proud mother looking down on them. Somewhere on the other side of town a young man is angry at his baby mother for taking him for child support.
In the Bronx a young woman suffers through the scare of the possibility that her daughter has brain Cancer, all the while sleeping with one eye open out of fear that at night her son will catch another one of his seizures. In that same late night hour a 16 year old young woman is out secretly getting an abortion because she can't tell her married boyfriend that she is now pregnant.
These are all personal friends of mine. I feed off of their courage and strength. I think of then every time I'm in the ER with my sick baby because he's having trouble breathing. I can go on for days about all of my STRONG circle of AMAZING friends. But the common denominator in all these stories is they agreed that things can be so much worst. Now do you believe? When you feel like you are in your darkest hour, remember 9 times out of ten it can always be worst. As long as you are still alive, there is a bright side. Stay positive and believe that no matter how impossible things seem, you were built in God's perfect reflection. He is not punishing you but he knows his creation and knows what you can handle. Now do you believe???
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From the heart of The BlackButterfly

She Cries

She cries, She cries.. until there are no tears left
and all the love she once had.. can no longer be felt
Her loving Prince Charming.. ain't so charming no more
all the hurt he inflicted.. left her cold to the core
it all started the day.. they said I do
Every black and blue.. came with an I love you
“I have to do better”
“I have to try”
“I know he loves me”
“Or he wouldn't cry”
the years of abuse.. got pretty old
the unhealed bruises.. left stories that didn't need to be told
clear blood and red tears.. another good girl turned cold
she's free from the abuse.. but lost from herself..... trying to make him whole

Before you walk in the shoes of a battered woman don’t ever try to judge. Don’t ever say what you would have done different. And most importantly DON’T EVER THINK IT CAN’T BE YOU….

New Year - Same Me

While most people enter the New Year with claims of being new people, that is not something that I can commit to. Can we really trust or even get to know the real you when you have the ability to change who you are from year to year? My goal is to continue to evolve into a better me... That sounds better.

There are some lessons that I have learned in the previous year that I will utilize in helping with my growth process. Many of us go through life day by day without taking the time to get in tune with ourselves. These are the same ones with multiple failed relationships, the same ones that change “friends” like they change their underwear, the same ones that question why and never understand the answer. The understanding must always start with you. When you take the time to get to know who you are then you become more in control.

Instead of changing with the year, how about focusing on one day at a time. Don't make New Years' resolutions, yet make it a point to set daily goals.